Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Things to *not* do with a baby.

So, you think that everyone is capable of raising children? Well, just in case some of you have some questions, here is a nice, easy to read list of things NOT to do with a baby.

10. Go golfing.Ok, so maybe this isn't to scale, but you get the idea. Why you would want to subject a child to 4 hours of direct sun at 120 degrees is beyond me, but a baby should at least get a little umbrella hat. Whats worse, he could fall into the golf hole. Dangerous indeed.

Also, he can't even count up to "Fore".

9. Rock climbing.That is not proper safety equipment. Your father should be at least twice as tall. I suggest returning him at your earliest equipment. Although I think I did this once as a toddler, a baby should NOT be climbing mount everest, old fort, etc.

If this is surprising to you, then you need to contact a foster home now. Or build stilts, to get the father to optimum safety code. Oh, and here is the correct method for baby rock climbing:
Climbing mount mommyest. Or Daddiest if mommyest is sick and tired of her precious darling at the moment.

8. Used as Bait.
Please, remember that children are human too. Do not cook/ingest them if at all possible. Also, when the baby's shell turns red, that means that it is properly cooked and ready to be served.

Warning: This may make him/her crabby.

7. Contact Lens Cleaner
While baby's tiny fingers can be used to get into those hard to reach places, please remember that they have little if no dexterity. Keep them well away from sharp or fragile objects. Your eye should be considered a fragile object.

Also, while diapers can cause static, the long term advantages to wearing them out weight the alternatives. Please diaper your baby.

6. Political Commentary.This is actually directed both to the candidates running and the fans/enemies in the audience. Please stop using children too young to sing along with Barney to further your career. It is sad, morally wrong, and appeals to the lowest common denominator.

For the record though, Hillery did have it coming in this particular scene.

5. Used as a Babe Magnet.
Yes, I know women love the babies. No, do not use one as a conversation starter. There is only one of three ways you got a hold of that baby, if you are picking up women. You either a) Are married, cheating; b) Was married, bf/gf, etc, not cheating; or c) Stole it.

With two of the three options pretty bad, I pray to god there isn't a missing oompa loompa just so you can go flirt with that girl in the park. Besides, 80% of the time the baby comes out ahead anyway.

No really, stop it. Bad Wonka.

4. Push Music Sales.
Yeah, I know. People will buy stuff if the baby wears bling. Get over it, it doesn't mean your band sucks any less if you have to use children to peddle your garbage to the masses. And straighten your hat up son. Nothing urks me more than a slanted, "I am rebelling by being the same" hat style. Have some dignity.

Can't even throw up any signs anywho. So whats the point?

3. As a farmer.
Do not use a baby as a farmhand. He tends to lay about on the job, demand nap time, etc. Not to mention, have you seen the produce he tends to grow? Disturbing.
Something is seriously wrong with this. Click here to grow your own.

Create a Great Warrior.Do not mock wookies. Even a child wookie can rip your tongue out. Do not mutate your child to achieve a hairy perfection long missing from our world. Do not enhance his biology to near God-like proportions, the likes of which the universe has not known, in the hopes of designing the future of humanity.

Least, thats what the she told me. *sigh*

I mean really, could you fight this?

Several movies were based on this concept, from Superbabies 1 and 2 to this bad boy:

1. Do not create a Little Sister.From Bioshock (PC/Xbox 360), the little sisters were little girls with creatures inside of them that harvested the... umm... Well, lets just leave it at that. The day our children become farms for parasites is a bad one indeed.

Honestly everyone should know this by now, but just in case, please do not experiment on children in an attempt to become psychologically powerful.

Oh, and this big guy is the "Big Daddy", also known as "Mr. Bubbles" by the little sisters. He protects them against bad guys who would hurt them:

Oh, and here is a video of what not to do:


Donna said...

Ohhhh so cute

Tree said...

*scratches her head* Honey, look, I know you were looking forward to shaping humanity, but, c'mon. Yer own kids? I'd love to see YOU try saying 'No' to a toddler that can drop the refrigerator onto your head or rewire the car to lock you inside it each time you deny them that fortieth chocolate chip cookie.

Being a mad scientist is fine, but remember: a modified child is, by definition, a spoiled child. ^_^;

. . . . and I hope to see some updates, or even '10 things to do during the Smurf uprising' at some point after all the stress is dealt with. :P Good stuff.