Sunday, February 10, 2008

Weapons of Warfare

The best weapons are those that cause fear, compliance, and milk from the nose. In this vein allow me to introduce the ten most horrible, fearful, and hated weapons used in combat (Real or Fictional):

10. Long Distance Sniper Rifle.
This weapon was really used in the Trigun Series by Gung-Ho Gun Cane the Longshot. His rifle was huge, over 20 feet long, and he was deadly accurate from over a mile away. Able to provide cover for friends, terror for foe, the sniper is always watching and able to surprise any gathering. Common tactics include wounding one enemy to hit the people who assist them and disabling machinery.

9. Gun-Blade.
Wielded by Squall in Final Fantasy VIII, this sword packs a devastating surprise (If you didn't hear the name of it). Contained in the blade is a simplified bullet delivery system, allowing you to use explosives and shrapnel to open up blade wounds.

Brutal, upclose, loud and confusing. This weapon is a mass of pain for anyone dumb enough to put up their dukes.

8. Lightsaber.

This blade was used by Jedi-Knights as a symbol of peace, power and control. Shaped by crystals held in the hilt of the blade, some could change length or color as the need arose. Almost anything could be used to create a lightsaber, however the user had to use the force to fuse it together and charge it the first time, fixing any flaws in the process.

Able to reflect energy, light, and able to melt and cut through flesh and steel, the blades make up for their lack of subtly with raw power. Do not use when wet.

7. Snu Snu.
An act of unspeakable... umm... well, lets stop there. Practiced by giant Amazons on a remote future matriarchal settlement, it is a method by which the male prisoners are executed, the female citizens are pleased, and the pillow gets fluffed (In no particular order). Awareness of this act was spread by Leela, Amy, Bender, Fry, Kip and Zapp Brannigan from the show Futurama.

Leela mentions that condo prices are affordable. Fry and Zapp recovered after eight months of rehab and two casts each. They have mixed feelings about the whole affair.

6. Rumble Balls.
A chemical pill designed by Dr. Tony Tony Chopper, member of the Straw Hat Pirate crew from One Piece. It allows him to enhance his form changing abilities, and become stronger, faster, smarter, or better defended at a whim. It lasts for three minutes, and can/should only be used once every six hours.

If you overdose to two times in six hours, the form changes are uncontrollable. Three times... well, it turns out badly. The form created is mindless, unstoppable, and doesn't stop after three minutes. It slow kills the host just due to the amount of power it takes to exist.

5. Notebooks. Dead ones.
Light Yagami from the series "Death Note" is the wielder of this deadly device. The Death Note is a small notebook carried by the Shinigami (Death God) that can be wielded by humans. In return, the human allows his life to be terminated by the Death Note's master slightly before his natural time, and those years of life are bestowed upon the Shinigami. The human can also half his lifespan in return for obtaining the eyes of a Shinigami, so that they can see the names and lifespans of all mortals.

Any name written in the book, with a mortal's face in mind, will die. Only the intended will die, regardless of other people sharing a similar name. If you write a cause of death within 40 seconds, it occurs... else you die of a heart attack. You can add in details about the death in the next 400 seconds.

It works from anywhere on anyone, if you know their name and face.

Oh, and it's on sale. Here is a link where to get your own Death Note.

4. Materia.Described in Final Fantasy VII, and created by taking the spirit energy of a planet and crystallizing it into a vessel of magic, summoning, and raw power. It allows ordinary people to create fire, lighting, or gain abilities like stealing or incredibly long reach. The large scale harvesting by the Shinra Corporation began killing the planet, leading a number of small resistance cells (terrorists by today's standard) to try and destroy the plants that were polluting the atmosphere, blacking the sky, and poisoning the water.

Materia was being used as fuel for cars, energy for electricity, and for mutating solders to make the faster, more powerful, and superhumanly gifted. Certain types can be combined with others, creating a chain of effects over normal magic (Such as fire on everyone, while stealing from them, and poisoning them, and casting it four times, etc). Some materia is so powerful that it was sealed away from society on remote islands and caves. Some threaten the world itself.

The true danger of materia was the fact that a small stone could make anyone powerful, and allowed a few people amazing, unstoppable might.

3. Pokeballs.Smaller than a finger, able to contain creatures larger than a bus, Pokeballs are easy to sneak into a fight and hard to defend against. In a toddler's bottle you could have an army of dragons, in a balloon you could sneak an armada of electric mice. Whats worse, these things can contain creatures with an IQ, with self awareness and with the ability to communicate to humans. Whats to stop someone from catching a roommate? Does that roommate have to battle giant turtles now?

The whole thing smells of slavery, or at least kidnapping. Let's beat an animal until it can't struggle anymore, then stuff it in a ball! Now we are best friends.

However, ignoring the issue of fighting intelligent monsters together for fun/profit, these pokeballs are astounding. If they can contain a bull, why not sandwiches? Carry enough sandwiches in your pocket to feed a nation, and it still weighs nothing! These devices are the ultimate in transportation, allowing mass deployment across long distances with no obvious side effects. Beware.

Also, they creep me out. You never know if a gold fish or a tiger is gonna come out of one of those things.

2. Flowers. Red ones.
Yeah, it looks innocent. But if you even slightly touch it, your DNA is rewritten. Millions of years of development is wiped clean as your skin, your clothing, everything is redesigned to hurl flames from your mouth. Your lungs, throat, lips, teeth, all get replaced or adjusted to handle intense heat and pressure.

Even your eyes get a thicker coating, to prevent drying out. Everything down to your mustache is insulated and strengthened, aging you from a child into a mutated man of the world. Your body becomes so powerful, you can consistently hurl fumes from your lungs, catch them on fire with your saliva, and bounce them toward your fleeing foes.

Or they are spicy, and Mario really likes eating fresh salad straight from the ground.

No gardener could construct such a devilish tulip. It is surly the work of a sinister mind. Say goodbye to lettuce on airplanes.

1. Cuteness. Aka, Puchuu.
Creatures from another world! Even and bent on destroying earth! Also, very cute.

Thats it, earth has lost to the Puchuu from Excel Saga.

All hail our cute overlords.

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